Life and Lessons

The Illusion of the Right Choice: Why Perfect Decisions Don't Exist

We've all been in that situation where we spent at least a week thinking about a decision and still made the wrong one.

Do It, Don't Do It. You Will Regret Both

We've all been in that situation where we spent at least a week thinking about a decision and still made the wrong one. You think about it in the morning, revisit it during the day, and somehow find yourself thinking about it again before you go to bed. You ask yourself what could go wrong, what could go right and whether you will be happy with the decision a few months or years from now.

For instance, you want to leave your job and try something different. You have complained about the job for months, but the thought of losing a regular income makes you reconsider. Maybe you want to move to another city or country, but you are worried about leaving behind the people and things you know; familiarity seems comforting.

And so, you remain where you are, not entirely happy with your situation but not quite ready to change it either. The funny thing is that whichever decision you eventually make, there is a possibility that you will regret it.

Do it, and you might wish you hadn't. Don't do it, and you might spend years wondering what would have happened if you had.

There is no decision without something to lose

I think one of the things we struggle with as adults is accepting that every decision comes with something we have to give up. When you choose to pursue further education, you might have to put other plans on hold. When you accept a job in another location, you leave behind familiar surroundings and the comfort of having your people close by. When you decide to stay in a relationship, you might have to work through difficult things. When you decide to leave, you have to deal with the possibility that you might miss the person.

You could get the job you have been hoping for and still miss the life you had before. You could move somewhere you always wanted to live and find yourself feeling lonely. You could finally become financially independent and realise that having more responsibilities is not as exciting as you imagined.

It does not mean you made the wrong decision. It simply means that getting something you want does not automatically make you immune to the things you lose along the way or cancel out regret.

Sometimes, we focus so much on what we stand to gain that we forget to consider what we might miss. Other times, we become so concerned about what we could lose that we never give ourselves the chance to find out what we could gain.

Sometimes, staying is also a decision

We often talk about the courage it takes to leave, start again, speak up or take a risk. But we do not always talk about what happens when we choose not to.

At the time, the reasons might feel reasonable. You tell yourself that you are being realistic, that there will be another opportunity or that perhaps you should wait until you are better prepared. And the truth is, sometimes that is true. Not every opportunity is worth pursuing, and not every risk is sensible.

But sometimes, years pass and you find yourself thinking about the things you wanted to do but never attempted. You see someone else take a chance on something you once considered. You wonder whether you would have done well if you had tried.

You may never get an answer.

The problem with imagining the other life

We have a habit of imagining the best possible version of the life we did not choose. We imagine the successful business, the fulfilling relationship, the exciting career and the opportunities that would have followed. We rarely spend as much time imagining the difficulties that might have come with them.

The life you did not choose might have been wonderful. It might also have been difficult in ways you cannot imagine.

There is no way to know because you did not live it. Psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Medvec explored this experience of regret in a 1995 study. They found that regrets about actions tend to be stronger in the short term, while regrets about inaction can become more significant over time.

It is interesting because it reflects something many of us experience. When we do something and it goes wrong, we have an actual experience to process. We can learn from it, accept what happened and move forward. But when we never try, the unanswered questions can stay with us.

You cannot keep waiting until you are certain

I understand the desire to be certain before making a big decision. Nobody wants to put themselves in a difficult situation unnecessarily. We want to know that the money will be enough, that the relationship will work, that the opportunity will be worth it and that the sacrifices will eventually make sense.

But life does not always give us that kind of reassurance.

You might spend months waiting for the right time to start something, only to realise that the right time never arrives in the way you imagined. You may wait until you have enough money, enough experience, enough confidence or enough support. Meanwhile, circumstances keep changing.

This does not mean you should rush into decisions without thinking. There is a difference between taking a thoughtful risk and acting without considering the consequences.

However, there is also a difference between preparing yourself and endlessly postponing something because you are afraid of what might happen.

Sometimes, you have done all the thinking you can do. You have considered the advantages and disadvantages, spoken to people you trust and looked at what the decision might mean for you. At some point, you have to accept that you cannot think your way into knowing the future.

You are allowed to change your mind

Perhaps we also need to stop treating every decision as a permanent commitment to a particular version of ourselves.

You can pursue a career and later realise that it is not what you want. You can move somewhere and decide that you would rather live closer to home. You can start a business, discover that it is not working and choose something else. You can leave a situation and still acknowledge that there were things about it you appreciated.

Changing your mind does not always mean you were confused when you made the original decision. Sometimes, you simply know more now than you did then.

We grow, our circumstances change, and our priorities shift. The things that mattered to us five years ago may not be as important today. What we thought we wanted at 25 might look different at 30.

And that is okay.

You do not have to spend the rest of your life defending a decision simply because you once believed it was the right one.

So, what do you do?

I wish I could end this by telling you how to make decisions you will never regret. But I do not think such a thing exists. You can make a decision after careful consideration and still wish things had turned out differently. You can choose what feels right and later discover that it was not what you expected. You can also avoid something because you are afraid and spend years wondering what you missed.

Perhaps the best we can do is make decisions that are honest to where we are, what we want and what we can realistically handle at a particular point in our lives.

Do not take an opportunity simply because everyone else seems to be moving ahead. Do not turn one down simply because you are afraid of being uncomfortable. Do not stay somewhere just because leaving means starting again, and do not leave simply because you think somewhere else must be better.

That is the existential paradox we find ourselves in.

Do it, don't do it. You might regret both. But you cannot spend your entire life trying to avoid regret. There are too many possibilities, too many uncertainties, and too many things you will never be able to predict.